Monday, July 3, 2017


So yesterday B drove me to the doctor's office while I was high on Valium. The doctor and I get along as we're basically the same age. Then he literally cut my balls open and cauterized some things inside while I was awake and having a conversation with him about how he would never date another doctor because he's already super busy and frankly he wants someone who is not focused on their career. THAT'S EXACTLY EVERY CAREER WOMAN'S WORST NIGHTMARE VERBALIZED.

The drama in my head was less about the actual surgery but more because the place I had frozen my sperm with had not called me yet so I wasn't sure if that had even worked. Look, masturbating into a tiny plastic cup is not the easiest thing in the world! Pictured below, the IVF masturbation room, for those who have never been there.

They helpfully have 90's porn setup for historical use only in case you can afford IVF but can't afford a phone. I hear there's still women who get upset if their husbands masturbate or look at porn. Is that true?

I was prepared for a call the day after my vasectomy saying the sperm storage had failed and it being too late to rectify the matter. Mentally, I was adjusted to the idea of having three kids, which is PLENTY, and not being able to have any more. A lot of women (especially in their thirties) are looking at guys as "kid dispensers" which is the gender-opposite of men looking at women as "sex dispensers". This makes dating hard in so many ways because with just one or two kids, the women can convince themselves that you might want "just one more". Happily ever after is still available!

When you have three kids, the women have to like you for ... you. Much harder. Which is why guys in their 40's date women in their 20's almost exclusively, in case you were a 30-something woman and curious.

But I did want a backup in case future me is batshit crazy enough to want more kids. So when I got home after the surgery (limping around the house with B laughing at me),  I called the IVF center up, and they told me I have 4 units stored. Hooray! Units I may never use but which allow me to play kid dispenser as needed. Keeping the dream alive! You never know. Being 41 and dating is weird in so many ways.

It was 8am. I was excited and high! I will spare you my other pictures from this event!