Sunday, March 19, 2017

Things you should never say writ large


So most of the time I love being single. But there's always those days (aka, Steak and Blowjob day) when you're re-thinking your strategy around relationships and you binge-click on OkCupid, the worst dating website in the whole fucking Multiverse.

Part of what makes OKC so annoying is that their little question-game works. It's totally true that I'll really like the first page of girls, who match 90% with me. It's also true that those are probably the best friends of someone I've already dated, and "liking" them is bound to just cause trouble in some oblique way. I mean, what if your ex's best friend had met you first, and then she would be your ex, and your ex would be your ex's best friend!

90% more awkward than before next time I see her at a party. :)


I always like their profiles anyways, because like B, I find awkward situations hilarious.

This filters down into my sex life. Every so often I'll say something completely unexpected, even to me. Like recently right after sex I said to someone "We should win an award for 'most vanilla sex ever!" Needless to say, this sort of commentary goes over like a lead condom.

B says "You should know that saying something like that means you're never having sex with her again, right?"  But part of it is that when you're out there somewhere on the bell curve's fractaline edge, you are your own shit-test. In other words, I failed when getting into relationships before because I tried to be so much more acceptable than I really am. Like, there's the parts of me that are "quirky" like I like to eat weird foods, and then there's the parts of me that are "bought a male vibrator and wrote a blog about it".

I leave you today with this:

Every picture on her profile was from her wedding. I love Tinder for bringing me this insanity, whatever it is.

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