Monday, January 30, 2017

Dominance and Submission




She sent this to me, along with ten thousand other angrier messages, after things went immediately and horribly sour.

As seen above, it doesn't always work. There's no technique to dating, there are only surprises. The more people you try to know deeply, the more you realize how ignorant we are of each other's true selves. 

That's not to say you can't draw stereotypes out for your own amusement! Besides, painting people with a broad brush can sometimes highlight the true exceptions to the rules. Let's start:

Submissive women always have a thousand times more self confidence than dommes

"dazzle me with you intellect and wit"

"I want your experience to be a great one"

"I want a rich guy."

I think this is because female submissive sex is 100% normalized. At this point if your boyfriend isn't tying you up sometimes you're having a weirdly vanilla and boring sex life. But it's possible there's more to it. Female Dominants tend to be older and more overweight - and older and heavier does not equal "more self-confident" for women in the dating pool. 

Let me put it this way: Experimentally it's a fact, like gravity. Of course, there are always exceptions which is why dating is so fun in the first place.

Open Relationships are as Bullshit as Monogamous Ones



A week ago I'm at a bar, having crashed the Columbia, MD FetLife meetup after a work meeting. I find these things fascinating. So many "super dominant" 24yo guys who can't afford a car yet. Anyways, I get to talking to two different couples - both of whom were in Open Relationships. 

Couple A were engaged, but living in their parent's basement. 

Couple B was two people who'd met at an SCA event and been married for many years. They were just getting over the wife cheating on him with another person she'd met at an SCA event. (SCA being a sort of meta-Renaissance Fair - probably with more turkey legs and some sort of opaque legal structure). 

Neither couple was seeing anyone else, or really even open to it.

I didn't probe too much into how you can cheat on someone while in an open marriage. Open Relationships have the kind of convoluted law only a patent attorney could love. You're allowed to sleep with other people but not in my house, and not people I know, and not on Tuesdays because that's our night, and not without safe sex, and safe sex is defined as in Appendix B ... look, I get it. You don't WANT it but you WANT to want it. Or when you do, in fact want "it", it has a tendency to get out of control, and result in being suddenly single. 

It's also true that people in Open Relationships are more happy than people who think they're in monogamous relationships. They have the fig leaf of freedom. It's just when the fantasy meets reality that people get hurt. 

And of course, when they don't, it's usually because what you're doing is dating. You don't have to commit to make commitments to people. What I've learned is this: We're not all or nothing.

What If

Me: Fruit for size
Her: Is that an orange?
Me: Technically it's an orange lemon hybrid
Her: That doesn't help.

Sometimes though, it does work. You can meet people anywhere. Tinder is a thing. But I've also met dates on Instagram, or playing Overwatch or even occasionally in 3d spacetime. And invariably you'll find you're closer to them than you thought, which is probably the scariest thing to find out about someone. Generally you'll learn this after sex though, when you're able to focus on things other than the proper way to build a rope harness without cutting off circulation.

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