Sunday, December 4, 2016

Guy Tests

B and I were drinking and listening to sad breakup songs and making a blue fire today.

So I realized something about myself, and probably about your boyfriend or prospective boyfriend, today. Guys go on and on about how girls start up a relationship with tests. (That's what "NO ONE NIGHT STANDS" is in every Tinder profile. Or "No shirtless selfies!" - despite the fact they have never right swiped a profile without a shirtless selfie.) But the important part of most tests is that they are generated by the subconscious. 

B is doing some personal analysis in this picture with the aid of a very fine NZ Sauvignon Blanc.
Anyways, here's a thing: In this day and age of relationships that never quite make it to Instagram-official, you never really have break-ups. People become important to you or less important to you on a floating scale of abstract art bathed in emotional uncertainty. It makes Taylor Swift more poignant as you introspect at a level you maybe never had to in high school. 

So here's my test: I tell girls I don't have emotions. In my industry, a high level of autism is assumed as par for the course. It's believable. Some girls I've dated can, of course, see right through me and detect this sort of thing immediately as bullshit. But they have to be really paying attention.

I've learned that girls will give you a test about something trivial, whereas a guy inevitably is going to test you about something super important to them. But knowing what your own tests are is important either way.

How to do a tinder profile. Fucking Julie knows what's up. Hats off.