Sunday, December 4, 2016

Guy Tests

B and I were drinking and listening to sad breakup songs and making a blue fire today.

So I realized something about myself, and probably about your boyfriend or prospective boyfriend, today. Guys go on and on about how girls start up a relationship with tests. (That's what "NO ONE NIGHT STANDS" is in every Tinder profile. Or "No shirtless selfies!" - despite the fact they have never right swiped a profile without a shirtless selfie.) But the important part of most tests is that they are generated by the subconscious. 

B is doing some personal analysis in this picture with the aid of a very fine NZ Sauvignon Blanc.
Anyways, here's a thing: In this day and age of relationships that never quite make it to Instagram-official, you never really have break-ups. People become important to you or less important to you on a floating scale of abstract art bathed in emotional uncertainty. It makes Taylor Swift more poignant as you introspect at a level you maybe never had to in high school. 

So here's my test: I tell girls I don't have emotions. In my industry, a high level of autism is assumed as par for the course. It's believable. Some girls I've dated can, of course, see right through me and detect this sort of thing immediately as bullshit. But they have to be really paying attention.

I've learned that girls will give you a test about something trivial, whereas a guy inevitably is going to test you about something super important to them. But knowing what your own tests are is important either way.

How to do a tinder profile. Fucking Julie knows what's up. Hats off.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Guest Post from B

Actual picture of B.

So I got B the weirdest/best gift any roomate has ever gotten their roomate: The Satisfyer Pro 2. Look, if there were major advancements in guy masturbation technology, I'd be all over it, except when girls come over you cannot be like "Hey, here is my Fleshlite Pro 2" whereas guys don't care if a girl has a collection that requires its own walk in closet.

Anyway's this is a special guest post TOY REVIEW from B

Helllloooo everyone!

B here. So you've heard that I've been blessed with a new toy. When DaveDave (yes, that's what I call him) bought me this, I was going through a very sad break-up-state-of-mind and of course Dave bought the ONE thing that should (and did) bring any woman out of that funk. I had no idea what my gift was before, and even when I opened it. DaveDave explained to me that this toy had a special "suction" technique that made it an amazing toy. I'll admit it took me a few days, maybe a couple of weeks to use it partly because I wasn't interested in masturbating at all, and also because I didn't know what the fuck to do with it. The day finally comes that I need a sense of release. I keep a small bag with the label "turn me on" on it with a few small toys in it, one including this new gadget. My obsession begins. If any ladies are reading this, I can't even explain to you how out of the world amazing this toy is. Let me repeat...AMAZING. If I never have a boyfriend again, I'll be good.

LADIES: Imagine a man going down on you and knowing exactly what to do. Which we all know, says a lot. Take the usual amount of 10-15 minutes and halve that. Even less. That's how wonderful this toy is. Not to mention an experience of being a part of the "personal water sports" that I've only been a part of twice in my lifetime. THAT GOOD.

MEN: My apologies.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

A Woman's Guide to makin' it happen

Such a great show. I watch it all the time with my roomate B.
I talked to one of my friends this week who often dates guys in her professional circles, because, who doesn't? But of course, how do you move from "casual business acquaintance" to "date"? The rule is always "It's not a date unless he kisses you." Guys are not subtle.

Anyways, my "tip", since I've been accused of not having enough "tips" in this blog, is that the pros, the girls who are GOOD at flirting with awkward men more used to computers than people, use the high five like a fat chef uses butter.

And please don't tell me you should hug him. A hug is both too close and too far on the physical scale for those of us who are not naturally social (which, let's face it, is the set of guys you are dating). He's going to be nervous he's going to get an erection if he's attracted to you, and just confused about the complexity of whatever social norms require hugs in the first place. It's not PLAYFUL.

If you can get over your inhibitions about reading Pick-Up-Artist Terminology feel free to read this: From a guy's perspective.

Anyways, I wanted to give you another point that is counter-intuitive if you've read anything online about flirting ever. And that is this - every article ever says never to send naked pictures to a guy. But all the pro-level girls I know do Facetime cam shows and have their own stored "Best-of" movies for the guys in their life. It's hugely effective, and you don't have to be a model to pull it off. Even if you don't want to show yourself, SHARING porn you liked is a massively effective way to flirt with a guy, even if you haven't really gotten physical with him yet. Tumblr is the best way to get porn to send him - but if you're more of a RedTube girl, send him your favorites. I've had three girls use this technique on me and it's 100% successful so far...

Monday, July 18, 2016

This is super interesting.

They claim "anal was a relatively rare fetish" a couple decades ago. I'm not sure that's factually true...but maybe it is?

I went to Melbourne FL, obviously.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Dealing with big issues while you're dating

So occasionally it's not all fun and games. Sometimes you're dating a girl and something big and horrible happens, a brutish finger poked through the paper mache world you've created of restaurants, movies, and white wine in order to have sex with her.

In every way that is not something a hipster would say on stage during beat poetry night at the bar, dating is a journey into finding out who you are. But you're going to ask questions of yourself you didn't expect. "Am I loved, or just needed?" is the one I hear most often inside my head, but on the other hand, what's the worst case scenario here? You're someone worth needing. Tell yourself that and move on with life.
"Asia Fit L - that won't offend anyone" said the designers.

This isn't a serious blog. I will now include a picture of a label from the long underwear I bought today to climb Mt. Rainier next month. I've never climbed anything before, partially because I like it warm and tropical and there are no mountains in Miami, and partially because I have the kind of lungs that prefer it at sea level. And I've never helped anyone through anything like what the woman I'm dating right now is going through. But sometimes you just have to put on your big boy pants and head up the mountain.

Ask yourself at what point the girl you're dating gets to veto your trip to the summit. Is there a point where that happens? If not, what does that mean? 

The Hardest Thing is to Let Go

People always think the hard part about hooking up with girls is getting them in bed. But the hard part really is in letting them know what you want so that you actually enjoy the experience. When you're 40, it's not just "Any concave, reasonably moist body cavity will do".

Being about to connect with someone sexually so that you (and ideally they) actually get off is the skill that is so rare to learn if you grew up, as I did, as a super-geek. Sometimes you get lucky, and chemistry carries you over the drawbridge, so to speak. But if you're like me, your day job gives you a level of anxiety that would kill an ox, and so only the best head will get you out of your normal mindspace and able to relax and enjoy yourself.

"Leaning in" is surprisingly good "giving head" advice for both sexes!
In any case, I wanted to share a magical trick that my friend taught me. It is this: when someone is inexperienced and you are with them, and you need to save face, but change how something is happening because it is not fun or painful or just feels weird, you say "Look, I don't know how other girls you know have liked you doing this, but *I* like it THIS way." Always works, everyone saves face, better life experiences all around.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016


I have a much longer post coming on the subject but just thought I would share today's required reading (as I sit here in Paris's airport reminiscent of the Story of O):

Monday, March 28, 2016

"Dine" app does all the wrong things

"Lemme Smash?"

You can read the original article, which has a step by step walkthrough of the Dine app, here. But I want to examine this app because it's fun to see what they are getting wrong, and when in six months you've never heard of them again, you'll know why.

First of all they are combining all the horrible things about OKCupid with the parts of Tinder that are stressful and awful. Do you like to fill out forms? Then you'll love the OKCupid style of old-school dating, where they "match" you based on your interests. It works, but there is a high barrier of entry, like doing a tax form to get laid. Also: Dinner dates are the worst kinds of dates. High pressure and not likely to result in success for either party.

And of course, by not offering an Android client they are demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge of how network effects work - which is that every single person on Earth has a Tinder account and uses it, whereas Bumble and the other iPhone only networks fight for the "affluent" crowd with gimmicky features. 

The problem is that VCs often design apps based on what users SAY they want, instead of what they actually want. For example, girls often say they hate guys who take shirtless selfie shots, but all guys know if they want to get right swiped you should probably include a shirtless selfie. People are counter-intuitive like that. "Oh you hate guys who have nice cars? Sure you do." The data suggests otherwise. 

Better use of VC money would be an application that can "verify" your height. The female dating calculation often will compromise on how affluent a mate is at the moment, but never on how tall they are. I will demonstrate why in the following scientific graph titled "Why girls don't care about money but will ask you how tall you are before they volunteer to go out with you":

If you're a girl you already know this chart by heart. A lot of the guys who were born with money are douchebags not worth dating (or basically, cokeheads). So if you're in the younger crew, rolling with your iPhone, you're not always looking to connect only with guys who are going to splurge on the latest hot restaurant. You're betting on their future, not their present. But they're not going to grow or shrink significantly. So a tape measure dating app is better than a "take me to dinner" dating app, when it comes to the next big thing. Which is why Tinder has pictures in the first place.

I will close with today's screenshot: Yohanna, who is ruining the market curves in all directions.


Thursday, March 24, 2016

Paying for OKCupid is Stupid

Often you talk to people who are "established" (a.k.a. too old to smoke pot anymore) and recently divorced and back in the dating scene, and they comment on how they are not sure how to meet members of the opposite sex, and that online dating isn't working out as well as they were hoping. A lot of very successful people are frankly, just scared of online dating.

Also, for women, it SEEMS easy at first, but then it is hard to move the process along to its desired conclusion. There are a lot of steps in between "Swipe Right" and "actually meet someone". Guys are often quick to connect and flirt, and then heavily reluctant to offer an actual date and move it to the next step.

Well, as a friendly hacker-type, I am here to make it more fun and increase your chances of success using modern technology as a ground breaker. 

Instead of paying for OKCupid or Tinder, accept the fact that EVERY social website is a dating website. My roommate B does most of her dating prelims on Instagram, which Facebook was very well aware of when they bought Instagram. But Twitter and AirBNB are just as good for making actual connections with people. And in some cases, much better. First of all, you can buy ads on Twitter.

Remember the point of Tinder: To build real connections.

Take a look at the following screenshot of an example Twitter ad campaign I ran, pointing at this blog. Keep in mind, you can carefully target your Twitter ads to just people who follow the people YOU think are interesting, such as a particular band or politician or comedian. And of course, you can target them by gender and age and all sorts of other things, but most importantly, by zip code or geographic region. 

As you can see below from the analytics page: 1% of the girls who saw the Edward Snowden Blogpost link clicked on it. 

You have to have a funny blogpost to point them to, but that's easy! Even your Instagram page will do.

Getting 100 people you might want to date interested in you because they read your funny blog is a much better bang for your buck than anything OKCupid or Tinder can offer you, and it's easy to do and not that expensive!

I link to my OKCupid profile secretly on this blog so I can see who visited, assuming they are also logged into OKCupid at the time. ;)

Twitter ads are there to help companies build real connections with people, but because of that, they work better for dating than dating sites do. You know how all the dating books tell you to meet that guy when he's out and about, rather than when he's cruising a bar? This is the same principle. Twitter=out and about; OKCupid: Cruising a bar. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Valentines Day Without a Label

I like to undress things with labels. <cough>

A new terminology for me that B introduced me to is "put a label on it" and all the associated insinuations. Because while the gradient from "dating" to "boyfriend" used to be razor thin, in your thirties apparently this becomes a vast swamp of opportunity.

While I found a "open marriage" predictably horrible and weird and the idea of being "Poly" seems like a thousand times more work than it's worth, the reality is that human relationships don't have to be binary -  either exclusive or non-exclusive. Either friends or coworkers or lovers.

It's strange going through Valentines day without a label though.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Rich and Evil

Quoting from IMGUR below:

I'm very happily dating a wonderful woman that is the love of my life. However even though I mention that I'm not single, or perhaps because I'm not single, sometimes women will keep hitting on me even though I have specifically said I'm not on the market and not interested. So I decided to start playing a game I call "Rich but Evil". I could of course just leave instead, but where is the fun in that? The idea is to drop hints in the conversation that I'm rich, but Evil. As we talk I'll gradually create a character that is more and more wealthy but more and more likely to be the spawn of Satan himself. So I might say that I work at a pharmaceutical company, but we're holding off on releasing a life saving drug because the less effective version we already make is more profitable. Or I'll say that I inherited land in Africa including the rights to a diamond mine, but my family has a deal with the local government and we love to kill endangered species. Or that I own a mega yacht, but I think that Hitler did nothing wrong. You get the drift. Rich, but Evil. The goal is to see just how Evil a character I can create before they call it quits. I've found that as long as I keep ramping up the Evil and wealth proportionally they keep playing along. It's both amusing and horrible.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The half-life of divorce

Today B asked me if I have "closure" from my divorce. The answer is "probably not" in the same way that Chernobyl is not exactly ready for tourism yet.

Getting over a divorce takes time because nuclear fission releases lots of nasty side effects. I know that and you know that and for damn sure every girl I've dated over the past year has had that forefront in the giant dating calculator girls are born with. Divorced guys be crazy, yo!

I got through most of my divorce by doing BJJ, which is where two men hug while wearing special pajamas.
Two, completely unrelated men, hugging out their divorce issues this Saturday at my gym.
But those hugs just get you through the heat and radiation - battling the ten foot tall carnivorous deer wandering your irradiated internal forests takes a different kind of hug. Specifically, you are going to do what all divorced people do, and date madly wrong people for a while, which is why the "right" people will avoid you.

But, as the ugly God of evolution tells me, "Sex is the ultimate validation!" Eventually it affects you less and less though - because everything has a half-life. A couple weeks ago, for example, a date blew me off and I found online the local dungeon was throwing a party, so I went to that, still in my work clothes.

If you've never been to your local dungeon (and I guarantee you have one) then you are missing out on some class-act examples of how far human behavior really goes. We live in a society that on one hand makes Logan And Veronica romance clip videos on YouTube (I've seen all of them, yes), but on the other hand can have a group of people get together every month to whip each other's private parts, in a room where a fake coffin dominates the decor and tens of thousands of dollars of leather whips line the walls.

I don't fit in with the denizens of any dungeon I've been to. I'm far too weird and I can't in any way suspend my super-power of disbelief. This time, with someone getting "figged" (look that shit up kids) a few feet away, I ended up talking about reptiles with a dominatrix.  She has a baby python. Not like, a mini-python, but a snake larger than her, which is going to get to be thirty feet long.

This is ALWAYS A BAD IDEA but who am I to talk about bad ideas for house-pets with someone who is five minutes from poking needles into a dude's penis in some sort of replica of snail sex? I was the divorced and fully dressed guy on a couch drinking Sprite and looking over the fence at midnight at the local mutants and wondering what they were looking back at.

Pictured: Snails spearing each other with 'love darts'. I'm not sure humans are much weirder than snails, or that we carry less baggage.