Monday, December 28, 2015

Love Actually

I love "Love Actually" - and also, I will admit, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson's Creek, Grey's Anatomy and many other things I rarely admit out loud.

But also my literary tastes on Tinder profiles are quite refined. Take this one, for example:

 It's the final non-capitalized "Lol" that sells this profile

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Enjoy My Ultimate Dating Fail

Ok, so it's Art Basel here in Miami a couple weeks ago. They have all these art parties everywhere. I end up using this app "Happn" and meet a girl on it. She's in town selling art, but is also a physician. She's super cute, Indian which is a nice change since we don't have any in Miami, and flirtatious without being shallow. So I'm excited.

I ask her out to sushi and Uber over to check out her art since I'm supposed to meet her at seven. Keep in mind throughout this story, that she lives in Fresno (on PURPOSE?!?) and hence is really just looking for a hook-up.

I'll be honest, a literal "Red Dot" would have been better than much of the art in the big tent.

Her art is being sold at Red Dot, and  I chat up the artists next to her until I'm bored, and as she's texted me that she needs to push back from 7 to 10, I start walking North to Wynwood where we're supposed to meet.

Normally this walk would feel a bit dangerous, but the streets are packed with people who cannot, as far as I can tell, afford any art. I stop off at the bar next to my gym which is never open during the day, and looks like a hell hole, but it turns out to be awesome so I have a drink there, then continue walking north.

At one point I duck into an art gallery and hang out briefly for the free drinks and snacks and chat with a blonde artist who does body painting of nude people and then takes pictures of it. She also recently lost her leg - and anytime an adult with long hair has lost a leg it's ALWAYS A MOTORCYCLE. I don't think she'd flirted with anyone since her surgery and she listed off one of her hobbies as "Salsa Dancing". Which ... may someday be true again? Who knows. Anyways, it was getting close to 10 so I exited stage right and walked to the sushi place.

The sushi place was PACKED. Also, just to add color, my roommate B had cleared out of the house and gone to Boca in the dim hope that I'd bring a girl home with me. So I'd been texting with her, but I was slightly lit. In any case, I'll paste the hilarious screenshots below.


I'd already left the sushi place in shame.

Literally, as I leaned up against a fence laughing with B on the phone about the whole thing, the blonde artist drove by with her mother and sister and stopped to chat me up. Which...I thought was very stalker-ish! Normally I am the stalker!

Oddly enough, a friend of mine had his limo out and I ended up tagging along with him to THIS AMAZING PARTY:

Good thing they roped off those VIP areas, eh?

And in conclusion, the right girl will find your dating fails hilarious as well, and clearly she was not it. :)