Friday, October 16, 2015

NYC is about extremes.

This is one of those ones where if you match you are going to have to start off being super romantic. 

"Air Hockey is always a winner. How can I spice this Tinder profile up?"

This next picture was poignant in a way that Tinder rarely is.

"I wonder if guys right swipe on really sad pictures".

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Tinder Moments

Tinder has the feature to allow you to link your Instagram feed. But of course, there are some pictures you only want people that you've "matched" with to see. Most girls post pictures of themselves drinking, or at the beach in a bikini, or driving from place to place. I don't know why the "driving" picture is so popular. It's like a selfie, but in a car! Of course, there's the ever popular "I'm in the bathroom mostly nude and near a mirror." Those are every guy's favorites! 

I'm not sure what girls want to see, but I've been posting some amazing shots of my pet turtle.

One person liked my latest Tinder moment - which is more than I expected!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Guest post from Edward Snowden!

Hi everyone! As many of you know I recently relocated to Moscow! Specifically, I am on Tverskaya Street, third house from the Square on the left. The red brick walk-up with all the well armed "hobos" loitering in front. 

Anyways, I am in the news! All the time! You literally cannot turn on any media of any kind and not see my face! How great is that? So great!

I wanted to let everyone know I'm on this blog too, and then Dave said "Why not do a guest blog about your diet tips. You're in great shape man!" And I said "Thanks!" So here they are:

  1. Airport food is not great. TRY GETTING STUCK IN AN AIRPORT FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND THE POUNDS WILL JUST DROP OFF! Make it a Russian airport for bonus pounds.
  2. Interrogation is not great for your physical fitness. The stress alone is thinning. Plus, they're always playing good cop, super great cop, but never "cop that has a brownie to share".
  3. You can get some pretty interesting amoebas for free in the water here. My girlfriend and I filter our water now, to say the least. Sometimes you go without water in the winter. Shivering burns calories!
  4. Sometimes my "friends" make me run from place to place all over town just to go to the grocery store or to meet a reporter or comedian who wants to interview me. We call it a "Counter Surveillance Route" but I think of it as a way to not have JSOC put a bag on my head before I get there.
  5. You can buy any part of a cow here. Sometimes my girlfriend comes home with things that I think are either brains or testicles. They have the animal slaughter section right next to the fruits and vegetables section here. Splatterific! 
  6. You get to walk everywhere. If you have a car, you're stuck in traffic. Just like DC! 
  7. I've taken up Sambo, which is like the Russian Jiu-Jitsu. So I'll be on the open mat at the next INFILTRATE!
  8. A lot of Russians grow their own food at their Dachas. I'm not so much of a green thumb yet. But organic is always better!
  9. One common Russian thing is to go out into the wilderness with a basket and not be coming back until it's full of mushrooms. But, as it turns out, you need to know which mushrooms are edible! Not all of them are, I found out.
  10. Every time a US Congressman calls me a traitor I do a push-up.

Thanks for listening everyone! Hope to hear from you soon on @snowden on Twitter! Let me know that you liked the article!

Dolphin Saxophones

Today I have this little graph for you that I artistically made using online tools and my own life as inspiration.
Number of Women in your  PTA who have seen you naked, graphed by time.

Ok, so for women who complain there is not enough objectification of men on the TVs, here is a video for you (there is even Jiu-Jitsu!):

And since I just got back from San Francisco I figured I'd post a sample Tinder picture from Berkeley:
Isabel, What the Jesus Fuck is happening here? A cat-burger-galaxy? You like dolphin saxophones? I'm so confused. I better swipe right.