Wednesday, September 23, 2015

How to be cool, a lesson for Max

I was never cool in school. Unlike my best friend in high school I honestly didn't really think a lot about it. "How could I be more cool and popular?" never crossed my mind. Neither did doing even an iota above the minimum level of effort on anything that wasn't a computer science project. I was a D student at best.

Anyways, this morning my son Max, who is in 4th grade, came in to lay on me - there was no school because of some religious holiday celebrating the fall harvest and I was trying to sleep in. He was complaining about how when I pick him up from school I always raise my arms like a football team just scored and shout loudly, "MAX, YOUR FATHER IS HEEEEERRRRREEE!" I've been doing this so long that now all his friends say it with me and he gets super embarrassed and usually he spends the walk to the car begging me to stop being so uncool.

But of course I'm not going to. Not only because even at 39 I am oblivious to cool. As I tried to explain to him this morning in my pre-coffee stupor, every time someone walks into a room he's going to look over expecting his father shouting his name, half-dreading it, maybe, but it's an event either way. It's a thing that happens. Your father walks into the room and shouts your name.

Half still in dreamland I explained, "If you shout loud enough and long enough it can echo forever, even after you're gone. How cool is that?"


Friday, September 18, 2015

Every other tinder conversation...



OKCupid is different in that because you can select for education, you don't converse with random people who can't put a sentence together. But then, you'll never meet the fireman of your hook-up dreams that way, will you?



Thursday, September 3, 2015

Sexual Illiteracy

There's an old programmer joke that says there's 10 kinds of people. People who know binary and ...
I should buy and wear this shirt and try to get a girl's number in a bar just to see if it is still possible.
But similarly, my room-mate B and I are both super sick and unable to even think about dating and one of the things we did one night while wishing we had working vascular systems was pull up FetLife and create a female character "Fat Kitty" who is the epitome of all people on FetLife. Fetlife (or FL for those in the know) is Facebook for people who are into being hit with stuff or CBT (cock and ball torture) or like, really anything you've seen in 50 Shades of Grey but TIMES A THOUSAND.

It's a really "interesting" group of people and every hacker would naturally troll them constantly except there's no point because you can really only troll people who have an inflated ego. You can't troll the local Dungeons and Dragon's club because at no point are they unaware that they're the local D&D club, ya know?

Anyways, in all my interactions with dates I have learned one thing about people's sexual abilities in bed. There are only 10 types of people. People who would pretty much do anything their partner wants to do, and people who won't.

If you are dating one of those people who would pretty much do anything and you're not 19 years old, then you can expect that they've at one point had anal sex, worn a strap-on, know how to give head, and have opinions on what kind of rope is best used to tie someone up with.

"I'm too old to have inhibitions but I still do for some reason..."

(Note: 10 is 2 in binary).