Thursday, March 26, 2015

Sometimes the words are irrelevant.

This week a girl said to me "It's not stalking when I like you too", and in retrospect I think you can analyse words too much. Sometimes the words people say are simple and direct and sometimes they are simple and direct and have no meaning whatsoever. 

In fact, I personally think the later option is the one people usually are using. Dealing with people became a lot easier once I realized that almost everything that came out of people's mouths was chaff - hiding the real message which would come later.

For example, what is the message here?

The subtext is: "I'm Incredible... in bed!"

Let me maybe illustrate a little further with examples. A girl (woman really, but I like to be true to the blog title) will often say to you something like this "I'm not looking for anything serious" or "I'm not sure what I want" or "I'm not doing anything exclusive right now. I'm into NSA relationships - no strings attached". Literally one of my friends (who reads this blog, yes!) was saying all these things to me the other day and then went on one Tinder date and was instantly on the relationship train-ride, like a kid at Disney World. (She recently broke up, but that's a different story).

Look, even if someone's conscious mind believes it, that doesn't mean it's their true feelings on the matter. Women say these things because they think guys want to hear them. That exact same person will probably invite you to meet their parents, or play-act at looking at apartments in Manhattan with you, or find a way to demonstrate how good they are at kids when you're nearby, or any number of things that send the exact opposite message!

It is not because they are confused. It may be just that humans are rarely in control of their own strategic actions. You don't get to choose when you're hungry, and so I'm not sure why people think you get to choose anything in the relationship arena either. People have a lot more in common with Ants than the super-conscious machine-AI's coming after us.

But that said, in the meantime there's no excuse for this kind of Tinder profile, which I hope you'll find as amusing as I did:

Everything about Lindsey is wrong, from how her picture has her attached at the crotch to a guy, to how she cannot write a single word without some sort of grammatical disaster.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Funny jokes to play on your boyfriend

One thing I think is cool about girls is that when they decide they actually like you they take over the whole "moving towards a relationship" thing which is handy because in general that is the hardest part. Pretty much at a certain point you're like "should I call her?" and your phone is already ringing! So great! I am glad this happens.

My new live in nanny read this blog today - she's a former model, naturally. Her comment on her Twitter height (5'10") is that it is, of course, a lie, "just like modeling". That's what modeling is: you live off your lies, she says. You lie about your size, your age, your height. That's what works. It turns out she is my height, which is still pretty tall for a girl. She is newly single so we all helped her Tinder today although her Tinder date stood her up.

Hahaha. Ok, now we've gone through my Facebook and this model I met at Sushi Samba a while back used to work with her in Charleston. If you're reading this, you know who you are!

Ok, back to the funny jokes to play on people you are dating. One of my other nannies recently started dating a guy (OK, he flew to Miami and chased her relentlessly until she agreed to be his girlfriend, which is something girls respect, I'm hoping, as this is also my main strategy!) and she went into the room to see him eating some food and was like "We have to have a serious conversation.....about how GREAT THESE HOT STICKS ARE".

Also the ever popular hilarious joke after you've had sex a bunch of times of suddenly asking for a condom.

I am, I will admit, glad I'm not the one dating her.  

OK I will finish this with a picture of my eldest son and his girlfriend.

The secret is "I'm too young to date!"

Saturday, March 7, 2015

decisions decisions

I had a girl email me why porn is a bad thing recently. And today, on a whim and partially because of that email, I went to the matinee showing of Fifty Shades of Grey. Me and the grandmas were sitting there watching Anastasia Steele go through the motions of being introduced to BSDM. 

It was a bit choppy as a movie, I have to admit, even though I'm a huge fan of the book. I'd be an even bigger fan if they had just called the books "Twilight BSDM Fanfic" which was as honest a title as they could have had. But either way - choppy though it was a FILM it was great as a PORN. 

In case you're curious, here's what she sent me:

Personally I think worrying about how porn effects people's sexuality and how they view women is like worrying about how air being available effects people's breathing. At some level sex is a skill you can learn. You can, and this is good news for the fellow geeks reading this, study and become better at being intimate. 

The BSDM world is hugely interesting, but what I find most interesting about it is that it is, at its heart, a very conservative place. Like all places online it is predictably about men trying to hook up, and women trying to find relationships. It is a resolutely simian equation that runs through all human relationships. A bedrock foundational math that can be fought by counter-social impulses only so much.