Monday, December 28, 2015

Love Actually

I love "Love Actually" - and also, I will admit, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson's Creek, Grey's Anatomy and many other things I rarely admit out loud.

But also my literary tastes on Tinder profiles are quite refined. Take this one, for example:

 It's the final non-capitalized "Lol" that sells this profile

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Enjoy My Ultimate Dating Fail

Ok, so it's Art Basel here in Miami a couple weeks ago. They have all these art parties everywhere. I end up using this app "Happn" and meet a girl on it. She's in town selling art, but is also a physician. She's super cute, Indian which is a nice change since we don't have any in Miami, and flirtatious without being shallow. So I'm excited.

I ask her out to sushi and Uber over to check out her art since I'm supposed to meet her at seven. Keep in mind throughout this story, that she lives in Fresno (on PURPOSE?!?) and hence is really just looking for a hook-up.

I'll be honest, a literal "Red Dot" would have been better than much of the art in the big tent.

Her art is being sold at Red Dot, and  I chat up the artists next to her until I'm bored, and as she's texted me that she needs to push back from 7 to 10, I start walking North to Wynwood where we're supposed to meet.

Normally this walk would feel a bit dangerous, but the streets are packed with people who cannot, as far as I can tell, afford any art. I stop off at the bar next to my gym which is never open during the day, and looks like a hell hole, but it turns out to be awesome so I have a drink there, then continue walking north.

At one point I duck into an art gallery and hang out briefly for the free drinks and snacks and chat with a blonde artist who does body painting of nude people and then takes pictures of it. She also recently lost her leg - and anytime an adult with long hair has lost a leg it's ALWAYS A MOTORCYCLE. I don't think she'd flirted with anyone since her surgery and she listed off one of her hobbies as "Salsa Dancing". Which ... may someday be true again? Who knows. Anyways, it was getting close to 10 so I exited stage right and walked to the sushi place.

The sushi place was PACKED. Also, just to add color, my roommate B had cleared out of the house and gone to Boca in the dim hope that I'd bring a girl home with me. So I'd been texting with her, but I was slightly lit. In any case, I'll paste the hilarious screenshots below.


I'd already left the sushi place in shame.

Literally, as I leaned up against a fence laughing with B on the phone about the whole thing, the blonde artist drove by with her mother and sister and stopped to chat me up. Which...I thought was very stalker-ish! Normally I am the stalker!

Oddly enough, a friend of mine had his limo out and I ended up tagging along with him to THIS AMAZING PARTY:

Good thing they roped off those VIP areas, eh?

And in conclusion, the right girl will find your dating fails hilarious as well, and clearly she was not it. :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

I feel bad for girls sometimes

Like, obviously a girl's experience on Tinder is vastly different from mine. The benefit of being a girl is that you obviously match on everyone you right-swipe on. Then it's THEIR job to chat you up and somehow magically get your number. How great is that? So effortless. That said, here are your right-swiping options (as sent in from a friend I met on Tinder!):

"Self Employed - Translation: Drug Dealer" 

"This is my piece. And this is my side-piece"

Look, I'm sure there are a number of perfectly awesome guys on Tinder named David, right? 

Friday, October 16, 2015

NYC is about extremes.

This is one of those ones where if you match you are going to have to start off being super romantic. 

"Air Hockey is always a winner. How can I spice this Tinder profile up?"

This next picture was poignant in a way that Tinder rarely is.

"I wonder if guys right swipe on really sad pictures".

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Tinder Moments

Tinder has the feature to allow you to link your Instagram feed. But of course, there are some pictures you only want people that you've "matched" with to see. Most girls post pictures of themselves drinking, or at the beach in a bikini, or driving from place to place. I don't know why the "driving" picture is so popular. It's like a selfie, but in a car! Of course, there's the ever popular "I'm in the bathroom mostly nude and near a mirror." Those are every guy's favorites! 

I'm not sure what girls want to see, but I've been posting some amazing shots of my pet turtle.

One person liked my latest Tinder moment - which is more than I expected!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Guest post from Edward Snowden!

Hi everyone! As many of you know I recently relocated to Moscow! Specifically, I am on Tverskaya Street, third house from the Square on the left. The red brick walk-up with all the well armed "hobos" loitering in front. 

Anyways, I am in the news! All the time! You literally cannot turn on any media of any kind and not see my face! How great is that? So great!

I wanted to let everyone know I'm on this blog too, and then Dave said "Why not do a guest blog about your diet tips. You're in great shape man!" And I said "Thanks!" So here they are:

  1. Airport food is not great. TRY GETTING STUCK IN AN AIRPORT FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND THE POUNDS WILL JUST DROP OFF! Make it a Russian airport for bonus pounds.
  2. Interrogation is not great for your physical fitness. The stress alone is thinning. Plus, they're always playing good cop, super great cop, but never "cop that has a brownie to share".
  3. You can get some pretty interesting amoebas for free in the water here. My girlfriend and I filter our water now, to say the least. Sometimes you go without water in the winter. Shivering burns calories!
  4. Sometimes my "friends" make me run from place to place all over town just to go to the grocery store or to meet a reporter or comedian who wants to interview me. We call it a "Counter Surveillance Route" but I think of it as a way to not have JSOC put a bag on my head before I get there.
  5. You can buy any part of a cow here. Sometimes my girlfriend comes home with things that I think are either brains or testicles. They have the animal slaughter section right next to the fruits and vegetables section here. Splatterific! 
  6. You get to walk everywhere. If you have a car, you're stuck in traffic. Just like DC! 
  7. I've taken up Sambo, which is like the Russian Jiu-Jitsu. So I'll be on the open mat at the next INFILTRATE!
  8. A lot of Russians grow their own food at their Dachas. I'm not so much of a green thumb yet. But organic is always better!
  9. One common Russian thing is to go out into the wilderness with a basket and not be coming back until it's full of mushrooms. But, as it turns out, you need to know which mushrooms are edible! Not all of them are, I found out.
  10. Every time a US Congressman calls me a traitor I do a push-up.

Thanks for listening everyone! Hope to hear from you soon on @snowden on Twitter! Let me know that you liked the article!

Dolphin Saxophones

Today I have this little graph for you that I artistically made using online tools and my own life as inspiration.
Number of Women in your  PTA who have seen you naked, graphed by time.

Ok, so for women who complain there is not enough objectification of men on the TVs, here is a video for you (there is even Jiu-Jitsu!):

And since I just got back from San Francisco I figured I'd post a sample Tinder picture from Berkeley:
Isabel, What the Jesus Fuck is happening here? A cat-burger-galaxy? You like dolphin saxophones? I'm so confused. I better swipe right.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

How to be cool, a lesson for Max

I was never cool in school. Unlike my best friend in high school I honestly didn't really think a lot about it. "How could I be more cool and popular?" never crossed my mind. Neither did doing even an iota above the minimum level of effort on anything that wasn't a computer science project. I was a D student at best.

Anyways, this morning my son Max, who is in 4th grade, came in to lay on me - there was no school because of some religious holiday celebrating the fall harvest and I was trying to sleep in. He was complaining about how when I pick him up from school I always raise my arms like a football team just scored and shout loudly, "MAX, YOUR FATHER IS HEEEEERRRRREEE!" I've been doing this so long that now all his friends say it with me and he gets super embarrassed and usually he spends the walk to the car begging me to stop being so uncool.

But of course I'm not going to. Not only because even at 39 I am oblivious to cool. As I tried to explain to him this morning in my pre-coffee stupor, every time someone walks into a room he's going to look over expecting his father shouting his name, half-dreading it, maybe, but it's an event either way. It's a thing that happens. Your father walks into the room and shouts your name.

Half still in dreamland I explained, "If you shout loud enough and long enough it can echo forever, even after you're gone. How cool is that?"

Friday, September 18, 2015

Every other tinder conversation...

OKCupid is different in that because you can select for education, you don't converse with random people who can't put a sentence together. But then, you'll never meet the fireman of your hook-up dreams that way, will you?

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Sexual Illiteracy

There's an old programmer joke that says there's 10 kinds of people. People who know binary and ...
I should buy and wear this shirt and try to get a girl's number in a bar just to see if it is still possible.
But similarly, my room-mate B and I are both super sick and unable to even think about dating and one of the things we did one night while wishing we had working vascular systems was pull up FetLife and create a female character "Fat Kitty" who is the epitome of all people on FetLife. Fetlife (or FL for those in the know) is Facebook for people who are into being hit with stuff or CBT (cock and ball torture) or like, really anything you've seen in 50 Shades of Grey but TIMES A THOUSAND.

It's a really "interesting" group of people and every hacker would naturally troll them constantly except there's no point because you can really only troll people who have an inflated ego. You can't troll the local Dungeons and Dragon's club because at no point are they unaware that they're the local D&D club, ya know?

Anyways, in all my interactions with dates I have learned one thing about people's sexual abilities in bed. There are only 10 types of people. People who would pretty much do anything their partner wants to do, and people who won't.

If you are dating one of those people who would pretty much do anything and you're not 19 years old, then you can expect that they've at one point had anal sex, worn a strap-on, know how to give head, and have opinions on what kind of rope is best used to tie someone up with.

"I'm too old to have inhibitions but I still do for some reason..."

(Note: 10 is 2 in binary).

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Politics and Sex

SORRY TO ALL BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTERS: based on my extremely informal poll results, supporting Hillary gets you laid. This might be enough to make her win! It will not be her charisma, clearly.

"I enjoy long walks by the beach, and political drama. LOVING LIFE. Looking for a long-term relationship only."

So in the past couple days various of my friends have posted to their Facespace messages such as "I hate Tinder, nobody ever meets me from it." Have heart my many 40-something female friends!

Here is your competition:

"I eat paper."

Or this lovely OKCupid profile...
"I literally ooze you with love."

So if you know a guy you want to date, and he seems non-committal, just send him this:

And for those of you who have not seen this one:

Monday, July 27, 2015

The Occluded Signal

You either think of dating as game theory or you don't (and are wrong). But coming at it sideways, one of the basic tenets of the pick up artist world is "You do not choose who you are attracted to". I.E. The pick up artist techniques work even if you know they are being used on you! 

But it gets worse, in that you ALSO don't consciously choose what techniques you use to find a mate! It's like if you ask a 40 year old guy why he suddenly wants to buy a motorcycle and a sports car, and he's like "Yah, life is short, ya know?"

Why Do You Love Me?

But it is more than that and with big data you can find completely weird dating strategies that people will use without realizing they use them. Ok, I will admit, in armchair relationship science you can substitute "Big Data" for "Five minutes screenshotting Tinder Profiles to Prove a Point." 

Let's start by pointing out a basic feature of the theory that says "When you don't have the best signal in the world, obscure your signal and hope for the fucking best". This is one of those dating strategies that is almost singular to Tinder, as OKCupid, Match, and Instagram are in their own ways, a completely different game by offering a LOT more information on potential mates.

For example, the following picture demonstrates something girls do a LOT on Tinder: make a stupid face so you can't tell if they are hot or not. This "I'm sticking my tongue out at you" is surprisingly common because people think it says "Whimsical and fun!" which it very much does not. The signal they are obscuring is the most basic one of facial symmetry. 

"Look! My tongue is not forked!"

Here is another, even clearer example of an attempt at that game plan, with a woman who is "Enjoying Life" (aka, drinking the pain away):

"Maybe I have eyes, maybe I DON'T have eyes. Ask me on a date to find out!"

"You know it's a classy joint when they have those big red plastic cups, right?"

Guys do this too (often with just very fuzzy pictures), and you'll very rarely see someone MIX their strategies. There's no point in having a bunch of funny faces, and then one clear headshot. It's all or nothing. And yet, none of the people who apply the occluded signal strategy are going to realize that's what they're doing. For example, look at the symmetry hiding in all of the below pictures from "Carole", which included the required "funny tongue" shot, then two "giant sunglasses shots".

Sometimes this strategy's goal is to say "I'm at the top of the dating pool looking down and I don't even NEED to show my facial symmetry to get dates" (my roommate B does it all the time and it works great for her as a message of "exclusivity") but when the deck is stacked against you, it ends up saying the exact opposite.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

"The Conversation"

Okay, so I think at some point someone should hire a skywriter to point out to both men and women that if you have not had The Conversation where you both explicitly decide that you are exclusive, then you are not exclusive.

I made this helpful Venn Diagram for the many confused people out there.
I mention this partially because every guy on Earth seems to think my friend B is exclusive with them, which is amusing to me, but annoying to her, and also because I was at a party recently and a female friend is going on and on about a lot of things, one of which is this guy she is in love with.

We'll call him "Randal" and he's been chasing her for about 11 years - she's the one who got away! We all have one. It's like the Dawson's Creek phenomenon or something.

Let's not fool ourselves, in real life Joey ends up with an investment banker who is secretly gay, not her high school friend.

So they've been texting and secretly being emotional as all hell for years, except our friend finally got divorced and he finally broke up with his girlfriend and now he's dating and not "closing the deal" and having kids with her like he said he wanted to for the last decade.

And so last week on the way home from a date of her own with a guy she hated because he did nothing but complain about Miami the whole time, she pulled up in her car next to him and a woman. He called her two minutes later to say it was just a friend, but she doesn't believe him.

So Charlie and I were both like "WHO CARES". He's either allowed to date or he's not. And if you're on a date, odds are he's allowed to date too. Charlie's perspective: "What you're really mad about is that you had a shitty date, not that he was on a date. You were three shots and two jokes away from having sex on your date, and you didn't and that's not Randal's fault."

While we're on the subject, let me point out that this hilarious article is hilarious:

I would say you should read that article, and then read this Tumblr blog from the very beginning to see what reality is like. Also because it's some of the best writing on the Internet. A touching Dostoevsky-esque wandering through dominance, submission, infidelity and heroin. She's a real person, and it's all real.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Bumble Opener of the Day

Open up your Bumbler app, and then match with any random guy. Say: "What's your opinion on Al Quada?" then, no matter what he says "Phew, that's a relief."

Let us know how it works out for you! :)

And of course you should read this, since she knows how to use rhetorical device when talking about fucking.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Things nobody does and things everyone does

"Basically Allison is a tramp."
I'm going to put this out there: NOBODY USES CONDOMS. Ask your friends who actually get laid when they last did, and you can watch them squirm. When I was beta testing this blogpost a female friend of mine said "actually, I like condoms, because they make it so much cleaner for me, like the next day I'm not always wondering if I peed my pants." She is the massive exception though.

Everyone BUYS condoms. Condoms are a cool product. They come in lots of colors, flavors, and sizes, and in neat foil packaging. Even the boxes are cool. But nobody really USES condoms. The actual thing inside a condom wrapper could be a tiny sleeping centipede as far as most people are concerned, but they'll never know cause they'll never open any of them.

Just like in computer security, the future is not better prevention, but just better monitoring. When you go for the free test down the road at the gay clothing store, you get automatically signed up to a weird social network online, which will allow you to present your test status to people also on that network. Maybe Tinder should hook up with them and offer it as part of your profile? Since we, as a species, are not going to use condoms, we might as well solve the problem some other way... I mean, technically I solve this problem by being a geeky computer scientist, which is the only 100% STD preventative humans have invented, but I think we can do better overall. Or at least Allison can.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Opener Magic

This. This is how it's done.

Happy 4th of July to this blog's 5 readers!

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Matching with people who love life

All the same people are on that are on Tinder, and Match costs like, 60 dollars. I'm not sure why ANYONE is on it, to tell you the truth. Maybe if you like bots but can't figure out how to log onto ashleymadison?

Especially since most people have the exact same thing to say. This thing is "I am loving the life I'm leading" which means, as a friend put it "I'm drinking away my pain". Nothing wrong with that, but let's review:

"This girl is cute, but if she's not energetic then I'm .... wait!" 

"How many times can I say 'family' and hope they get the hint? Maybe one more. Also, let's be honest, when I say I want someone to have their own faith, I don't mean Islam."

Apparently in this world there is a dearth of people who love to laugh. Most people just 'like to laugh', which is not enough for miagirl1223. You have to love it. But where will we find a guy who both LOVES TO LAUGH and DISLIKES DRAMA?

I think maybe "looking for someone who loves to laugh" is a way of saying "I've lowered my standards about as far as they can go."

This is what a good profile looks like - instead of saying she loves to laugh, she is FUNNY. She has layup questions in her bullet list ("Which is the third tattoo you are considering?") and she managed to love her family and her life just for irony points, but you get the feeling she actually might be living a pretty cool life. She even avoids saying she wants a "partner in crime", which is a nice touch.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Basic Openers

So yesterday I spent some time with my room-mate talking to a friend of mine as she logged onto Tinder the first time. It was what this blog was built for!

So to start: Even girls very comfortable talking online find Tinder's "get something started from scratch" intimidating. The skillset of "go into a room and elicit information from someone" that spies learn is counter-intuitive. This is the same skillset as "get a guy to ask you out" via Tinder-message though. People who are good at it tend to have no idea why they are good at it. "You just flirt with them and be funny", they say helpfully.

Nobody can just "be funny" or "be flirty" via willpower.

And of course, women face another stigma. It is supposed to be EASY for women to snag a date. And maybe if they want to date ANYONE it is. But that doesn't help the 40yo woman trying to start a new relationship with someone she actually likes. For that, it's best to stand out from the crowd a bit, and use some technique. You start with "openers".

Ok, so without more ado, the standard PUA "controversy" opener.

"Hey, since you're here, settle this thing for me. A friend of mine and I are arguing about whether guys prefer it when girls research all about them before the first date, or whether they want a girl to go into it completely fucking blind. You're a guy, how much stalking do you prefer? :)"

Then you move from there to questions about him, disguised as flirty "stalking" followups. If you like him, follow up with "I guess we don't have to have a first date then? ;)" If not, then don't.

Guys have a very limited number of shit-tests to weed out women before they invest in a first date. By even starting to talk to you, they've already invested in asking you out. I.E. it is your turn in the line.

If he asks you "what you're looking for" say "I'm open to different things, but I have to admit I like meeting new people. You never know!" He's checking for that scent of desperation that you sometimes find. Don't say "I've never met anyone from Tinder before" because that adds to his pressure rather than subtracts from it.


A classic example from Nick Notas:

Monday, June 1, 2015

I don't believe in the FriendZone

It sends the powerful message of: "This conversation is obviously fake"

I think maybe the whole FriendZone thing happens when you are young and have no idea how to communicate with other people, or maybe have no patience, and it's a concept definitely perpetuated by movies and TV. But anyone old enough to have their own mortgage knows that at some point they're going to have sex with their attractive friends. Because adults all reach this "life is short, why not" mental state, plus booze exists.

Also, sex with people you are friends with is generally better because there's room for error. You know them well enough to know when it's not working and how not to make it a big deal. You have a smaller social circle as an adult than you do as a person in your twenties, but much closer. There's real affection there between you and your friends. They aren't just people who happen to be in your clique. You make a real choice to get to know them and vice versa. That's also the definition of people you're likely to want to have sex with.

Plus, I'm not sure how many women I've asked "How did you meet your boyfriend?" And they said "Oh, I've known him for years. We were always friends and then when I got divorced it just happened...".

Sociology is not useful for learning about relationships (I read the papers so you don't have to bother)

In this post I try to talk about WHERE to learn things and WHY.

From a new article:

The paper compared the likelihood of married people age 18 to 32 cheating on their spouses with the percentage of the household income they contributed. Of men who were completely financially dependent on their wives, 15% had an affair, compared to 5% of women. The numbers dropped as household income became even, at which point 3.4% of each cheated.
At that point the behavior by gender significantly diverged. The greater the portion of household income women earned, the less likely they were to cheat, with only 1.5 percent of women who were the complete breadwinners having an extramarital affair. However, as men brought in a larger portion of the total income, the chance of their cheating increased, to 4% of those who brought home all the money.
As men provide more of the family’s income, they are more likely again to cheat. Munsch thought that opportunity may be the reason. “These men are probably in fairly powerful positions,” she said. That could mean travel, resources to hide infidelity, “and they have more people interested in having sex with them [because of their position and standing].”
Although women who were in the upper economic bracket also likely had similar powerful positions, there are some differences. “We don’t see men throwing themselves at very successful women in the same way,” Munsch said. “Women [also] go to extreme lengths in this situation to shore up their husband’s masculinity. Because we know that women go to these lengths to keep their potentially strained relationships intact, they probably aren’t going to cheat.”
Or in other words:

But it's weird that they've completely ignored any attempt to explain themselves with evolutionary biology or basic game theory. If you're in any relationship, and you lack power, you can try to establish a backup relationship. This is a risky strategy because if you are found out, you ruin your primary relationship, and you find out you really needed that backup (which may be a mirage).
Sociology is one of the sciences that has a lot of natural disadvantages. 
1. Normalization is nearly impossible. Every sociology paper including his quotes the idea that women are graduating from collage more than men now, but if you look around you at the degrees that actually have ROI (e.g. STEM), they are not. The world does not need more communications majors. Those are just people who are so bad at math they think paying 100K for a job that starts you at 40K is a good idea.
2.  People are stupidly sensitive to results in the sociology area. This makes it more likely to be click-bait or politics than science. You can see this directly in his paper linked above, where he laments progress in gender revolution having "stalled or slowed". If he was studying humans as the animals they are, he'd be using more objective language.
3. Human societies change quickly compared to most other sciences. The modern trend may not be to less infidelity, but perhaps also less fidelity-requirements. Everyone in the Peoples Republic of California appears to have an Open Relationship, and we may find that people just tend to opt out of marriage in general. To his credit he tried to normalize by race and cohabitation in his paper. But his normalization on age is terrible, as it almost has to be.
In conclusion: you CANNOT LEARN IMPORTANT THINGS from Sociology's work when it comes to romantic relationships. You are much better off learning from pick up artists and sales people and sex workers who all have vast amounts of experimental data in their field. Or of course, going to the Big Data source of AdultFriendFinder, JDate, FetLife, OKCupid, Google, Facebook, or 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Secret Tindering

So using FakeGPS you can Tinder from anywhere! So let's Tinder for a second, just to let off steam, from the CIA/NSA Parking lot. Of course you want to do this with very small radius (1 mile) and with as broad a reach of ages and genders as possible. 

The CIA: There was only one!

And now from the NSA Parking lot! (There were a few more, which were not as funny.)

This is my Favorite Tinder Profile Ever.
He wants No Strings Attached at the NSA, was the pun I was reaching around for. Does "Undetectable" mean he works for TAO?
Probably on the NSA Quidditch team.

To be fair, the NSA ones were 2 miles away, so maybe just from nearby. Someone should write a bot to do this and make a feed of it somewhere. :)

Friday, May 22, 2015

Chicks Bumbling Their Game.

What no dating book will tell you (more on this later) is that dating, like fishing, is all about location. When my friends who are women in their forties ask me anything about dating, the only real answer is to move to Columbia MD, or Silicon Valley. There's literally no competition there. Let me illustrate this with the support of "Big Data" (no, that's not a nickname for my penis, but shit, NOW it is):

Compare and Contrast: Columbia Maryland, home of the NSA

vs. Miami Beach Florida

I didn't pick these as some sort of trick. That's basically the results of a random sample. Yesterday I sat next to a guy in a bar some of my friends own in Columbia MD (90% male, because this bar is inhabited entirely by employees of the NSA).
Me in this bar sending the message loud and clear of  "I desperately need a haircut and more sleep." 
Anyways, he was a moderately good looking Air Force guy alone at the bar (good looking enough to the point that I thought he was gay), using an app only available for the iPhone called "Bumble." Bumble is a 99% clone of Tinder, except guys cannot message girls first. So girls have to message them. There's no way a girl can lose in Maryland normally, but 90% of his 127 contacts failed on the first message by asking the same thing: "How was your day/week?" If instead they'd said any of the things the Miami Tinder samples above had said, they'd have been golden. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I'm going to steal that opener.

I'm dating a girl now who has RIDICULOUS levels of game. She was just born with it. In PUA terms, she's a "natural". And I live with the Michael Jordan of Chick Game, who's typically dating 1-3 random stars, ranging from comedians to pro athletes. But most girls, as demonstrated by Bumble, have none of this, and my new theory is that it doesn't normally matter, until they reach age 35 or so, and all of a sudden it matters a lot.