Sunday, March 19, 2017

Things you should never say writ large

So most of the time I love being single. But there's always those days (aka, Steak and Blowjob day) when you're re-thinking your strategy around relationships and you binge-click on OkCupid, the worst dating website in the whole fucking Multiverse.

Part of what makes OKC so annoying is that their little question-game works. It's totally true that I'll really like the first page of girls, who match 90% with me. It's also true that those are probably the best friends of someone I've already dated, and "liking" them is bound to just cause trouble in some oblique way. I mean, what if your ex's best friend had met you first, and then she would be your ex, and your ex would be your ex's best friend!

90% more awkward than before next time I see her at a party. :)

I always like their profiles anyways, because like B, I find awkward situations hilarious.

This filters down into my sex life. Every so often I'll say something completely unexpected, even to me. Like recently right after sex I said to someone "We should win an award for 'most vanilla sex ever!" Needless to say, this sort of commentary goes over like a lead condom.

B says "You should know that saying something like that means you're never having sex with her again, right?"  But part of it is that when you're out there somewhere on the bell curve's fractaline edge, you are your own shit-test. In other words, I failed when getting into relationships before because I tried to be so much more acceptable than I really am. Like, there's the parts of me that are "quirky" like I like to eat weird foods, and then there's the parts of me that are "bought a male vibrator and wrote a blog about it".

I leave you today with this:

Every picture on her profile was from her wedding. I love Tinder for bringing me this insanity, whatever it is.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Bought this hilarious sex toy...

Vibration is not the "thing" that works for most guys. But then, there are guys who seem to like rubbing themselves in cashmere, so who the fuck knows. You don't want to be missing out on something incredible because you're all uptight and thinking "in the box", right? That's not the hacker way! 

Click below to to speak.

It comes from a company called "Hot Octopus". Not sure what an "anti-stall" sensor is, or why I'd want one, but ... at least it's not the DreamLover 2000.

How does THAT work, I wonder, and everyone else in the office wonders.

Oh, and this is why DC is not the city for hackers that it thinks it is: SO CONSERVATIVE. :)

Monday, January 30, 2017

Dominance and Submission

She sent this to me, along with ten thousand other angrier messages, after things went immediately and horribly sour.

As seen above, it doesn't always work. There's no technique to dating, there are only surprises. The more people you try to know deeply, the more you realize how ignorant we are of each other's true selves. 

That's not to say you can't draw stereotypes out for your own amusement! Besides, painting people with a broad brush can sometimes highlight the true exceptions to the rules. Let's start:

Submissive women always have a thousand times more self confidence than dommes

"dazzle me with you intellect and wit"

"I want your experience to be a great one"

"I want a rich guy."

I think this is because female submissive sex is 100% normalized. At this point if your boyfriend isn't tying you up sometimes you're having a weirdly vanilla and boring sex life. But it's possible there's more to it. Female Dominants tend to be older and more overweight - and older and heavier does not equal "more self-confident" for women in the dating pool. 

Let me put it this way: Experimentally it's a fact, like gravity. Of course, there are always exceptions which is why dating is so fun in the first place.

Open Relationships are as Bullshit as Monogamous Ones

A week ago I'm at a bar, having crashed the Columbia, MD FetLife meetup after a work meeting. I find these things fascinating. So many "super dominant" 24yo guys who can't afford a car yet. Anyways, I get to talking to two different couples - both of whom were in Open Relationships. 

Couple A were engaged, but living in their parent's basement. 

Couple B was two people who'd met at an SCA event and been married for many years. They were just getting over the wife cheating on him with another person she'd met at an SCA event. (SCA being a sort of meta-Renaissance Fair - probably with more turkey legs and some sort of opaque legal structure). 

Neither couple was seeing anyone else, or really even open to it.

I didn't probe too much into how you can cheat on someone while in an open marriage. Open Relationships have the kind of convoluted law only a patent attorney could love. You're allowed to sleep with other people but not in my house, and not people I know, and not on Tuesdays because that's our night, and not without safe sex, and safe sex is defined as in Appendix B ... look, I get it. You don't WANT it but you WANT to want it. Or when you do, in fact want "it", it has a tendency to get out of control, and result in being suddenly single. 

It's also true that people in Open Relationships are more happy than people who think they're in monogamous relationships. They have the fig leaf of freedom. It's just when the fantasy meets reality that people get hurt. 

And of course, when they don't, it's usually because what you're doing is dating. You don't have to commit to make commitments to people. What I've learned is this: We're not all or nothing.

What If

Me: Fruit for size
Her: Is that an orange?
Me: Technically it's an orange lemon hybrid
Her: That doesn't help.

Sometimes though, it does work. You can meet people anywhere. Tinder is a thing. But I've also met dates on Instagram, or playing Overwatch or even occasionally in 3d spacetime. And invariably you'll find you're closer to them than you thought, which is probably the scariest thing to find out about someone. Generally you'll learn this after sex though, when you're able to focus on things other than the proper way to build a rope harness without cutting off circulation.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Guy Tests

B and I were drinking and listening to sad breakup songs and making a blue fire today.

So I realized something about myself, and probably about your boyfriend or prospective boyfriend, today. Guys go on and on about how girls start up a relationship with tests. (That's what "NO ONE NIGHT STANDS" is in every Tinder profile. Or "No shirtless selfies!" - despite the fact they have never right swiped a profile without a shirtless selfie.) But the important part of most tests is that they are generated by the subconscious. 

B is doing some personal analysis in this picture with the aid of a very fine NZ Sauvignon Blanc.
Anyways, here's a thing: In this day and age of relationships that never quite make it to Instagram-official, you never really have break-ups. People become important to you or less important to you on a floating scale of abstract art bathed in emotional uncertainty. It makes Taylor Swift more poignant as you introspect at a level you maybe never had to in high school. 

So here's my test: I tell girls I don't have emotions. In my industry, a high level of autism is assumed as par for the course. It's believable. Some girls I've dated can, of course, see right through me and detect this sort of thing immediately as bullshit. But they have to be really paying attention.

I've learned that girls will give you a test about something trivial, whereas a guy inevitably is going to test you about something super important to them. But knowing what your own tests are is important either way.

How to do a tinder profile. Fucking Julie knows what's up. Hats off.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Guest Post from B

Actual picture of B.

So I got B the weirdest/best gift any roomate has ever gotten their roomate: The Satisfyer Pro 2. Look, if there were major advancements in guy masturbation technology, I'd be all over it, except when girls come over you cannot be like "Hey, here is my Fleshlite Pro 2" whereas guys don't care if a girl has a collection that requires its own walk in closet.

Anyway's this is a special guest post TOY REVIEW from B

Helllloooo everyone!

B here. So you've heard that I've been blessed with a new toy. When DaveDave (yes, that's what I call him) bought me this, I was going through a very sad break-up-state-of-mind and of course Dave bought the ONE thing that should (and did) bring any woman out of that funk. I had no idea what my gift was before, and even when I opened it. DaveDave explained to me that this toy had a special "suction" technique that made it an amazing toy. I'll admit it took me a few days, maybe a couple of weeks to use it partly because I wasn't interested in masturbating at all, and also because I didn't know what the fuck to do with it. The day finally comes that I need a sense of release. I keep a small bag with the label "turn me on" on it with a few small toys in it, one including this new gadget. My obsession begins. If any ladies are reading this, I can't even explain to you how out of the world amazing this toy is. Let me repeat...AMAZING. If I never have a boyfriend again, I'll be good.

LADIES: Imagine a man going down on you and knowing exactly what to do. Which we all know, says a lot. Take the usual amount of 10-15 minutes and halve that. Even less. That's how wonderful this toy is. Not to mention an experience of being a part of the "personal water sports" that I've only been a part of twice in my lifetime. THAT GOOD.

MEN: My apologies.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

A Woman's Guide to makin' it happen

Such a great show. I watch it all the time with my roomate B.
I talked to one of my friends this week who often dates guys in her professional circles, because, who doesn't? But of course, how do you move from "casual business acquaintance" to "date"? The rule is always "It's not a date unless he kisses you." Guys are not subtle.

Anyways, my "tip", since I've been accused of not having enough "tips" in this blog, is that the pros, the girls who are GOOD at flirting with awkward men more used to computers than people, use the high five like a fat chef uses butter.

And please don't tell me you should hug him. A hug is both too close and too far on the physical scale for those of us who are not naturally social (which, let's face it, is the set of guys you are dating). He's going to be nervous he's going to get an erection if he's attracted to you, and just confused about the complexity of whatever social norms require hugs in the first place. It's not PLAYFUL.

If you can get over your inhibitions about reading Pick-Up-Artist Terminology feel free to read this: From a guy's perspective.

Anyways, I wanted to give you another point that is counter-intuitive if you've read anything online about flirting ever. And that is this - every article ever says never to send naked pictures to a guy. But all the pro-level girls I know do Facetime cam shows and have their own stored "Best-of" movies for the guys in their life. It's hugely effective, and you don't have to be a model to pull it off. Even if you don't want to show yourself, SHARING porn you liked is a massively effective way to flirt with a guy, even if you haven't really gotten physical with him yet. Tumblr is the best way to get porn to send him - but if you're more of a RedTube girl, send him your favorites. I've had three girls use this technique on me and it's 100% successful so far...